I am absolutely terrified of disappointing…..?
A sermon on Romans 5 by Jill Friebel, 12 June 2005
I was in the middle of the sermon preparation and had been thinking and praying over the passages and also conscious of the many interactions I had experienced with people over the week. I came out of my study for a cup of tea and David started reading an article to me about Russell Crowe’s antics this week. It was the one where he was on the Letterman show expressing regret and sorrow about the whole incident. He said, “I’ve apologized to my wife. There’s not many things that scare me in this world, but I’m absolutely terrified of disappointing her.”
For some unknown reason this statement really grabbed me. There was something about the sentiments expressed here that moved me and I had a hunch it was connected with where I was at and the sermon preparation and Romans 5. The article in The Age went on to quote him further.
“Obviously when I react to something it has a greater effect, apparently, cos it’s the Gladiator getting pissed off.”
Now I was intrigued. I had already made one attempt at watching Gladiator and had only managed the first 15 minutes. At the time I just didn’t feel like watching all that blood and gore and had decided to go to bed and read a book instead. But now I was willing to have another go to find out the connection Crowe was making between this Gladiator character and himself who was “absolutely terrified at disappointing his wife.” So I watched it.
Crowe was acting the role of a great Roman General called Maximus. This character Maximus is powerful, compassionate, just, honourable and loving. A man who is full of integrity and righteousness but whose heart longs for peace, the simple and good things of life. His bravery and warring was a means to secure peace and freedom, peace for the people of Rome, and most of all to be left in peace to return to his beloved wife and beautiful son on their idyllic farm with a herb garden, pomegranates and grapes. All he wanted was to hang up his sword and pick up a hoe, to plant the wheat and bring in the harvest, to celebrate life with all its joy and beauty and to be forgotten by the masses for all his famous feats and be left in solitude and peace.
But his life’s direction was changed in a flash and he soon found himself sold to become a gladiator. Now in the story this Roman General now Gladiator that Crowe played got “pissed off” because of the foul, evil treachery and betrayal committed against him. There was a murderous attempt on his life and the brutal slaying of his wife and son and now this stinking life in the pits and the arena of death.
But Crowe got “pissed off” because he was tired and lonely and when he tried to ring his wife his phone didn’t work. This was enough to send him into a rage and throw the telephone at the concierge.
Maximus worked off his anger by surviving in the gladiator ring which meant slaying other gladiators. It was only a matter of time before his courage and sense of justice was renewed. Because of his strength and brilliance as a general he became a much-respected survivor and saviour of many another gladiator and won the hearts of all who came to watch him. It gave him another chance to crush the evil that had overtaken him and Rome. This time his courage and hope were sustained by images of an eternal peace that no evil could ever disturb or corrupt or steal. This peace was worth dying for and in the process he might even bring peace and justice for the people of Rome.
Where the Gladiator character had been victorious in life and death, Crowe had failed to control his every present anger over a minor incident because of the slight inconvenience of a faulty phone in his luxurious surroundings and privileged life.
Now keeping in mind that Crowe lived and breathed this noble character for probably a year or two, it seems somewhat of a mystery that he would connect his childish selfish angry tirade with that of the Gladiator’s whose anger was perfectly understandable for good and right reasons. His was anger against the betrayal of his goodness and the wicked and murderous acts against his loved ones. He was depicted in all ways as a righteous man.
We all love a Maximus, there is something deep within us that longs and aspires for this sort of goodness. Some aspire to his brute strength and cunning to face overwhelming odds and come through victoriously. Others aspire to his justice and longing to bring in peace. I’m not sure what Crowe was aspiring to, but whatever it was, he fell flat on his face over a spectacularly stupid incident. And then he had the gall to compare himself to the Gladiator. Yes we all love a Maximus but few of us love a Crowe.
But I have to confess I have a soft spot for him. I can relate to him only too well. I know what it is to have such a deep desire to be good, and kind, and loving because I have a Maximus in my life and his name is Jesus. He is so much better than this fictitious character. He is goodness personified, the epitome of love. Every beautiful characteristic in every noble and just person is found in Him. He is defender of the poor and marginalized, friend of the weak, lover of men, women and children. Unafraid he boldly exposed the powerful and corrupt, those who cared nothing for anyone except their own stomachs. He could have wiped them out for all the fury of heaven was at his fingertips, but instead he chose the path of a non-violent rebellion and suffered a criminal’s death.
But even for all that, it isn’t the only reason I admire and love him. It is much more personal than that because he looks into look into my face, even more deeply into my heart and calls me by my name and tells me that he loves me. This is not some romantic idealistic feel good movie which passes by the time I have pushed through the crowds to get to the street. This is spoken into my heart in the moments of darkness. I cringe because I know I don’t deserve this and because I know the truth about me and I know that he knows it better than I do. Sure I’m not evil personified like “some” but I just can’t help myself from myself. Even with all my deepest desires for peace for myself and others, and this great aspiration to be like this one that I am so drawn to, I find myself losing it over something spectacularly stupid. I can go to great lengths to avoid situations that are painful and justify my actions very nicely. In truth I am just like Crowe – absolutely pathetic. I can aspire to great goodness but sneak up on me when I’m vulnerable and tired and frustrated and feeling used and wait for the tirade and hurt that pours out. I can even end up blaming and accusing God for my pain.
Paul speaks into my situation and indeed yours as well. He tells us that Jesus has made it right. He has made us right in the presence of God. Even if I don’t feel right it doesn’t make any difference. It doesn’t depend on me, it all depends on what God has done for me. If I can trust enough to throw open my doors of defensiveness and guilt, my doors of sadness and disappointment I will discover that his doors of love and mercy have already been thrown open to me. I can do this and feel the grace flooding into my wounds and the relief that comes with this. But for some inexplicable reason it takes next to nothing for me to slam then shut again when it gets too hard. When the doors are open it means that all my weakness and vulnerability is exposed, not just to Christ but to others as well. If someone dares to take advantage of that and hurts me where I am most vulnerable my doors shut like a steel plate dropped from above. It is one thing to be vulnerable to God but to be vulnerable to people who take advantage of me, who misunderstand me or desire to see me squirm is another thing. I hate them. The dilemma is, when the doors are shut my source of grace is cut off and I begin to feel my life draining out again.
But if I can wedge them open again and take a longer look at Jesus I begin to understand more of his vulnerability and beauty and how it is this that has brought me peace with God. I was one of his enemies who took advantage of him. I just have to keep my eyes on him, I have to hear him tell me over and over again that I won’t die, that whatever life dishes out to me I will never face it alone and that it is OK to be exposed and transparent and vulnerable. The longer I can stand in the open the more I begin to experience his healing. It is his strength that flows into my weakness and that feels stronger than any strength I could muster from behind the closed doors. It means I don’t have to defend myself, but my energy can be redirected into defending others. I find myself in an indescribably beautiful garden with Jesus who reassures me of his love and presence and invites me to share in the work of bringing peace and reconciliation to others who are wounded and battle weary.
My joy and delight begins to well up from receiving so much generous and undeserved love that I cannot round up enough containers to hold it all in. I could install huge water tanks in my wonderful garden and this love will fill them up and continue to overflow. I just have to keep the doors open and continue to feel my own weakness. I can become a peacemaker like Christ, instead of protecting myself and hiding in fear. No matter how many times I fail and retreat it never makes any difference to the fact that I am completely and utterly accepted and forgiven. The difficulties and defeats will not drive me into shame but be something I can be proud of, because it is about being real, being really in touch with Christ’s way.
I mentioned at the beginning that I was strangely moved by the words of Crowe when he said, “I’ve apologized to my wife. There’s not many things that scare me in this world, but I’m absolutely terrified of disappointing her.”
I now realize why they affected my so much. I can’t really say there aren’t many things that scare me in this world, because there are lots. But I can say that I am absolutely terrified of disappointing Jesus. Each time I do, it takes another step of trust and courage to emerge once again to say sorry and find the doors wide open in true humility, forgiveness and peace. I want to assure you that it is the case for you too. Have you disappointed him again and again and again like me? Can you emerge and take my hand and stand together reconciled in peace, strong in the power of love singing praises to God through Jesus, the Messiah for such an amazing friendship?